Malynda McCarrick

I am at peace.

No, I’m not dead. Isn’t that what people normally say about people who have recently died…”oh that poor man, he is now finally at peace…” I never understood that. At peace? They are dead. Done living. No longer around. Gone from this world. Not dealing with life’s many wonders, stressors, pains….oh, I get it now. That would be peaceful.

But anyway….

I am at peace.

I have quit my second job this year. No longer working for “the man” and liking it…perhaps liking it too much, but liking it all the same. I am fully aware that I will need to get another job at some point but for now I’m liking the world of the “unemployed” and in no hurry to change my status.

When you are a creative soul, such as myself, having a “job” is such an annoying necessity and really only serves the purpose of paying the bills and keeping you from living under a bridge somewhere…not that there’s anything wrong with living under a bridge (I don’t want to insult people who are happy there)…but I prefer the modern comforts of four walls and a roof over my head, complete with mechanical conveniences such as toilet, shower, electricity, heat and modest a/c when needed.

I’ve never lived in extreme comfort, owning a very small older bungalow, buying generic, recycling whenever humanly possible, and making do with the cheapest of goods. I’m easily pleased with the simplest of life’s offerings. This makes it easier for me to live without certain things now that I don’t have a steady paycheck coming in.

But I gotta admit…money very definitely does buy happiness in most cases. I will not give up on the idea that I will win the lottery…I have plans for that money, after all!

Wanna know my plans?

You may think I want to buy a ridiculously expensive car, a huge house, and travel the world. That’s not my style. No.

Of course my first expenditure would be to pay off any and all my bills – I don’t have many but that will be first priority. Then I would pay off the bills for my family and closest friends. Nice, huh?

Then, I would start putting money into my itty bitty house. Yep! You read that correctly! I wouldn’t move…not right away, anyway. Surprising when you know the history I have with my too-close-for-comfort neighbors. But maybe I’m just being mean…sticking around just to annoy the neighbor lady. I have my moments…

Then I’d just relax and live. With whatever money I have left, I’d simply enjoy living. No more worrying about how I’m going to pay the bills each month, no more looking for a job that sucks the very life out of me, and no more scratching together enough money just to buy a new appliance, piece of furniture, or vehicle.

But I think I have strayed from my original point…I am at peace.

I have decided to take the month of July off to regroup, reenergize, reorganize, redecorate, and return to the life I am meant to live. I need to get back to “me” and this is the time to do it. No longer can I work at a job I am not built for or prepared to surrender myself to. I need to take this time to figure out how to pursue my life’s dream…gotta figure out what that dream is first, but now is the time.

To that end, I have a busy month ahead of me. I have already pulled out the paints and canvas, am writing like a maniac, and crafting like there’s no tomorrow! As soon as I walked off that last job it was like the creative side of my brain said “Hello, welcome back” and here I am.

I’m back!

It’s good to be back!

I have finally reached a point in my life when I have to let my baby go.

I have nurtured it, let it grow, helped create the life it will now lead as it leaves the shelter of its creator’s nest. My first story, my most treasured book.

When I started writing years ago – too many years to mention – I did it for fun and to purge old demons from my life. I would write my frustrations on paper then send them through the shredder, never intending to keep any of those babblings and certainly never wanting anyone else to see them!  Then one day I lost my job and I launched myself into a fantasy world of revenge on those who had wronged me…namely, the employer who dumped me after so many years of faithful service.

This anger and frustration manifested itself in the form of a revenge story.

Mystic Artistic is the name of that story.

After all these years, I have finally cleaned up the story and am publishing it. I’m excited. I’m scared. I’m proud.

This story started it all and I will now see it in printed form and get the feedback from other people who experience it for the first time…heaven knows I’ve talked about it to anyone and everyone, whether they listened to me or not. Anyone who knows me will recognize many elements of my life and my personality in  the characters of this story. It has humor, angst, magic, revenge, romance (okay, so that part doesn’t resemble me at all), and the quirky snarky attitude of its heroine (that does resemble me!).

Over the years I have written, re-written, and re-written, and re-written…and re-written this story so many times that the original psychobabble of a disgruntled suddenly-unemployed woman has disappeared and an actual story has taken shape, one that has developed into a three book series…or more, who knows?

This is my baby.  

My baby is almost ready to leave home and venture out there into the world to find a life of its own. Of all the stories I’ve written or will ever write, this one will remain the most important to me. A piece of myself lives in my characters, the story comes from deep inside me, and while writing it I felt personally involved in what happened to everyone as I wrote them into the story.

This is what writing is all about, the love of the story and the passion to write it.

I have never enjoyed talking about myself. Sure, I say this in a blog…that’s a little bit of a contradiction, right? Nah. I figure blogging is more of a babble where talking about myself is more invasive. Which brings me to my current dilemma: how do I go about writing a bio that actually makes me sound interesting?

This comes up now because I placed an order for 50 copies of my first paperback book. They are due to be delivered to me around the 17th of February. Exciting. Scary. Stressful. Nerve-wracking. Exciting.

I started out feeling excited but then sheer terror set in. What if my book is a flop? What if it’s not as good as I think (hope) that it is?  What if nobody else enjoys reading the story as much as I enjoyed writing it? What if I spend all this time and money to promote this project and end up getting stuck with 50 copies of a poorly written, hack job of a book that I should be embarassed to call mine? What if…?

What if I had never written the story, never published it, and never put it out there for the whole world to see and never gave it a shot? I would never know, right? So, what the heck? Just like they say in the lottery…you can’t win if you don’t play. So I’m going to play!

One of the hardest parts of the whole project was writing my bio. I needed one for my website, for Amazon and for Smashwords (where my story is available to purchase), for the social networking sites I am listed on, and most importantly I have it in the back of my book.

I’m a writer, how hard could it be to just write about myself? I’ve known myself all my life…pretty much…and I know myself better than anybody else does. I know things about me and my life that nobody else knows (they may think they know, but they’d be wrong) and I know all my deepest thoughts, dreams, and failures. So why is it so hard to write something to introduce myself to people?

Because I’m a fraud, that’s why.

I’m not as strong and self assured as I would have people think I am. I’m a big ole chicken when it comes right down to it. I’m not sure I want people to know too much about me. Up to this point I’ve been able to hide behind a facade, a cleverly constructed, well orchestrated fortress of self confidence and strength.

So what do I write to make me sound interesting enough to make people want to read my stories? I need to break it down, the story of me:

- I’ve lived in the Midwest all my life (yeah, pretty boring)

- I love animals, can’t live without them (again, boring and yawn-worthy)

- I am an artist as well as a writer (not edgy enough)

- oldest in a set of twins (borrrr-ing!)

- accountant by day, writer by night (if I were an exotic dancer by night, now that would be interesting!)

- my favorite color is green (seriously, who cares?)

Now who would read anything by somebody with that bio? Let’s try and dress it up a bit, as though I am selling real estate.

Live in the Midwest…translate to: Live near the land of Toto and the Wizard of Oz but have never had a house dropped on me…yet.

Love animals…translate to: Love animals because in a former life I used to be one and remember everything from that former life.

Am an artist…translate to: love to paint on canvas by slathering my naked body with paint and rolling around on the floor, creating art as an extension of my flesh.

Oldest of set of twins…translated to: born a siamese twin and separated from my male twin when young.

Accountant by day…okay, there’s absolutely no way to make that sound interesting!

My favorite color is green…translated to: born into wealth, I’ve spend my lifetime trying to give away all my money (greenbacks) but have been unsuccessful since it keeps multiplying daily.

Which sounds more interesting? Oh, and I have some swampland in Florida I’d like to sell you…

Today is my birthday.

My 50th birthday! Hard to believe but it’s true…hard to believe because I had a plan 2 years ago to really celebrate this one…and I mean REALLY celebrate it.

So when I thought I had 2 years to plan it, I struggled and stressed for 2 years on just how I’d go about doing that. Then next thing I know, I’m sitting here blogging about it, the day is more than half over, and I never did come up with anything.

I got up early this morning, hopped in my car and decided to spend the day by myself shopping and exploring my fair city. I ventured into the quaint little meccas of The East Village, Valley Junction and along the unique shops on Ingersoll Avenue. I had cash in my pocket and I was eager to spend it on myself, desperate to make the day special. It wasn’t special, it was just another day. I didn’t find anything to spend my money on, I couldn’t even find the perfect birthday card for myself.

Sad, huh?

I thought so…at first. Then I dug down deep inside of me and discovered something. I’ve been celebrating it already, for the past 2 years! I had a “50 new things to try before my 50th birthday” list - which I completed – and I kept a yearlong journal of adventures that I explored this year. I discovered so many things about myself and my surroundings that I have come through this year as a newly enlightened individual, ready to tackle to world.

And who says the day wasn’t special? If you live it right, every day of your life is special! I think it’s pretty darned special now that I came to this profound realization, it just cost me a whole tank of gas and 2 years of stress headaches to wake up and smell the roses.

The funny thing is, there are a million different ways to “celebrate” something. Throwing a party is only one idea, and not a very original one when you come to think about it. So I celebrated my 50th without even realizing it!

Another way of looking at things is that I don’t have to celebrate my birthday for just one day. Who came up with that crazy idea…celebrate just one day…PFFT! I intend to celebrate being 50 for the next 365 days and beyond!

I say YAY!

I’m 50!

And I have a whole year to celebrate that! I can’t wait to get started on the celebration…I’m already exhausted just thinking about it.

We are nearing the end  – and beginning - of another year.

Time to ditch the disappointments of one year and set your sights on a wonderful new life.

I’ve never been a big believer in New Year’s resolutions and I don’t plan to start now, but I do believe in the beauty of starting over. You screw up an opportunity, you go after the next opportunity. Never give up. Not a resolution…I call it a goal.

So what have I accomplished this year? I like to think I had a good year, but if I compare it to what I expect from next year, there’s no comparison! Next year is going to be BIG BIG BIG for me.

I’m not going to say “if all things go as planned” or “hopefully” or “if I had my wish.” Those are defeatist attitudes! You are setting yourself up for failure and have already accepted it by spewing that kind of verbal garbage.

No, I will not accept failure.

What I will accept is this:

- my first book is coming to print and I will throw my wildly successful book launch in the spring of 2011.

- I will get to work editing and polishing my next release(s), which will be my Mystic series of 3 books. This will take time but it WILL happen next year, they will be available before the end of the year.

- I start work on my next story. The research, plotting, outlining, and character building will begin by the summer of 2011.

- I will dive head first into my writer’s groups, spending more time and effort in making them a valuable resource and supportive group environment for writers old and new.

- I will, finally, adopt an attitude of positive thinking that will cover all aspects of my life.

- I will see much happiness and success in 2011.

These are my goals. Failure is not an option.

So, according to the calendar I have 7 more days to eat junk food, be lazy, and make excuses for anything and everything that I don’t like in my life. 

Starting January 1st – no more excuses!

The past month has been a busy one for me.

I started a new story as my NaNo project and that was pretty much what I did in November. NaNo is basically a challenge to all writers to write a book (50,000 words) in 30 days, starting on November first and ending on November 30th…30 days. Get it?

I have been working on a three story series all year with the third (and final) story being my NaNo story. Guess what? I did it! Not only did I get my 50,000 words in but I finished my story and my series. Now the real work begins. I have three stories that I will need to edit, edit, edit and edit….and edit again. WHEW! By the time I am done, the new stories will barely resemble the originals. But that’s a good thing.

Like the Six Million Dollar Man…I can rebuild them, I have the technology!

But before I can start working on them, I have something else to get done.

My first book, “Ghosts, Gunman and the Grinning Cat” is close to being released in print. I am working furiously to get everything polished and formatted, covers looking perfect (or as close to perfect as possible), and the words all put in the right places.

I got the first proof of it in my hands last week.

There is nothing like having a hard copy of your first book in your hands. Nothing. That’s your baby, your first born, your brain child, your masterpiece. For the first three days I held it in my hands, flipping back and forth through the pages, not noticing the formatting issues I’d have to deal with later. I have so many fingerprints smudging the glossy cover that I can barely call it glossy anymore.

It’s been a week now and I know I need to get to work. The thrill has calmed down to a dull roar and I see what I need to do.

As I read it for the first time in several months since releasing it as an ebook, I like the story but I have learned a lot since writing it and I plan to put that new knowledge to work for me. There are some minor punctuation changes to make and I’ll punch up some scenes where needed. That’s about all. It’s my first book. It will be the book I refer back to after I become a wildly famous and much-sought-after (rich) author, my stepping stone, my beginning.

Who knows?

This first proof copy could very well be worth millions after I am gone! That’s what happened to Picasso, Elvis, and more recently Michael Jackson! The stuff they didn’t want released from their early beginnings is what collectors and fans can’t wait to get their hands on!

I painted my toenails today.

Bright “Honeymoon Red” is the color I chose.

Anybody who knows me would agree that this is a big step for a confirmed tomboy and lifelong living-inside-my-box and never-venture-too-far-from-that-box kind of person. Well, things are a-changing.

A coworker has made me her work-in-progress and has decided to transform me into a girlie girl. “How difficult could that be?” you might ask, but for somebody who has always preferred to fade into the background physically (maybe not so verbally, as many people can tell you, I tend to be a little too outspoken at times), I am dealing with the new task of being noticed.

Can you picture me shrinking inside yet puffing out my chest in pride at the same time? Not easy, or comfortable.

Shrinking because compliments have a tendency of walking a fine line between insult and compliment when doled out by the right – or wrong – person. Look at it this way, if somebody compliments you about how thin or how pretty you’re looking lately…isn’t that – at the same time – telling you how fat or ugly you previously appeared to them? Cynical, sure, but hey…that’s me!

I like the compliments. I am trying to live in the moment, I’m trying new things and learning to shake off the negatives in life…it’s a vast world of negatives, and I choose to focus on the positive.

So, back to the girlie-girl in me.

No more button down, baggy, boxy or nondescript, unisex clothing. And believe me, my girlie-coach won’t let me get away with it…at least during working hours. She has to check me out every day and tell me if my appearance is acceptable, hair and makeup included. And she is a self-proclaimed Diva so you can only imagine what level of femininity I am expected to maintain.

So I now shop. I hate shopping!

I now wear form fitting, stretchy, clingy, and flattering clothing. I wear stuff with “lycra” in the label, for gosh sakes! And people are noticing, not that I hold that as my motivation.

My motivation is re-invention. Call it a mid-life crisis. I have a big birthday coming up in December (one that ends in a big fat zero) and feel the need to establish goals and test my boundaries again. I refuse to call it a bucket list, that’s way too sick and twisted! I am just tuning in to me…what I am all about…and respecting that person for the first time in my something-something years of life.

So my toenails now sport a deep red-burgundy color.

It is nearly winter time here in Iowa so nobody will see them, but I know what’s there. Even while I am covered in wool socks, snow boots and shoveling snow, I still know I’m doing it with painted toenails. 

Red is such an empowering color.

In an effort to further my goal toward being published, I took a giant leap and e-published the darn thing myself.

Incredibly easy, yet incredibly difficult at the same time.

Easy because the two sights I uploaded to were giants in the industry and made the process amazingly possible – even for somebody like me, who has her moments of being technologically challenged.

Difficult because I still have problems convincing myself that I’m good enough to be published.

But I had to take that leap. I sucked in my doubts – so far that I was in danger of swallowing my tongue – and just did it. Those voices in the back of my head were at war with each other, the devil on my shoulder saying, ”she’s a fraud, she shouldn’t be doing this, she’s not ready,” and the angel on the other shoulder saying, “she’ll never know if she’s ready until she puts herself out there, if nothing else it will be a learning experience, it will be good for her.”

So I went to smashwords.com first.I sat for over three hours while it ”converted” my story…whatever that means. I sat there watching the ticker count down: #360 in queue, #359 in  queue, #256 in queue, #139 in queue all the way down to #1 and then there it was! A success! My story was online and – other than the wait for a few details in the process to happen – it was ready to sell.

I can’t explain how I felt! Excited! Exhilarated! Overwhelmed! Scared!

Yes, scared! Now those self doubts had floated back to the surface on my river of dreams.

How would it do? Would people like it? Would it sell? What about that first review? Would it be good or bad? And would it destroy me, driving me underground never to write a single word ever again?

Then something happened that I never expected. As I sat there pondering and stewing in my self doubts, somebody bought my book.

One little ole book. That’s all it took. If I never sold another book, it would be that first sale that made me believe in myself and pull that muscle in my shoulder while patting myself on the back.

I sold a book. I published my first book and somebody actually bought it!

I, since then, uploaded my book on a second sight – maybe you’ve heard of this sight, Amazon.com – and have since then sold there as well.

Being on the New York Times Bestseller list is not on my list of goals, never will be. My goal is to keep writing stories, keep enjoying it, and hope that people enjoy reading them. I don’t know that selling a million copies is what will make me happy. Sure, lots of money would be nice, then I could quit my day job and have lots of fun spending money. But would that make me happy?

You be the judge.

When I got such a tiny thrill from selling a book for $1.99, is money really what excites me?

Then something even more amazing happened, I got my first review at smashwords. And it was good! Whoever Morgan is, she/he made my day…my week…my year! They said exactly what I wanted to hear: they enjoyed the book, it was fun, and they want to read more of my work.

Maybe Morgan is a close friend in disguise – maybe really my mother – just trying to make me feel better about myself, maybe a complete stranger. Doesn’t matter. They did what I couldn’t do for myself. Gave me that boost of confidence and motivation I needed to sit down and write, finish all those books waiting in the wings and get them out there. I have a fan waiting to read more! 

Now, I need to get to work!

I keep telling myself that I need to blog more often. I mean to, I really do, but I make the excuse that life just gets in the way. I get too busy, gotta do this, gotta do that and then I run out of time and the next thing I know another month or two has passed and I haven’t blogged.

I mean, yeah, life does keep me busy but it’s all about priorities. It was spelled out to me in a song by Nickelback recently and it really hit home. What the song talks about is if today was your last day. If today was your last day – if you actually knew it was – would you do anything different?

Heck, yes!

I’m not talking about indulging yourself in crazy stuff like skydiving, lion taming, white river rafting, or ultimate cage fighting. That’s just plain NUTS! The idea is to enjoy your last moments not shorten life that much further!

What I’m talking about is appreciation, noticing things you never noticed before.

Has the sky always been that blue?

Has my cat’s fur always been that soft?

Has the sound of children giggling always made my insides feel all warm and happy?

I’ve let life take these simple pleasures away from me, I am trying too hard to be a grown up and have forgotten how to enjoy life as a child. Who says that age – and the bigger that number is – should mean the less fun you are allowed to have? I can’t remember the last time I’ve been tickled, or walked out in the rain and just stood there getting all wet on purpose. 

Last week, while at my day job, the skies opened up and just poured. There was no strong wind, it wasn’t overly hot or cold, it was just heavy duty straight-from-the-sky-to-the-ground rain and I stood in my building – in my nice dry work clothes - longing to be out there twirling around in circles in the parking lot in the rain!

Another thing I’m coming to appreciate is other people – friends. While in college, I learned how communities of like people feed off eachother and grow from exposure to others. My art classes were a good example. We painted side-by-side for two or three hours at a time, supporting, encouraging, and getting involved in eachothers’ work.

It’s the same with writers. For the most part, creative people are incredibly supportive of other creative people. It’s a strange phenomena…at least to me. You’d think they’d be more competitive. I haven’t seen that. Does that make me naive? Possibly.

I’ve belonged – and still belong – to several different writers groups. I’ve left some, returned to some, missed some, and dropped in on others. The key for me was to find the people I click with and treasure them. Writing can be a solitary existence sometimes, but I’ve found that for me to get the most out of it I need to appreciate more – people, things, times, places… everything!

Unless you’ve been living in a cave somewhere, you’ve heard of the latest craze.

Positive thinking.

Think positive and the Universe will deliver to you all your desires. The experts like to call it the Law of Attraction.

Are you freaking kidding me?

Yeah, okay, so I’m the biggest sucker in the world. I went out and bought all the books I could find on the subject (I even read them), attended the Metaphysical Fair in town, bought my magic crystals, burned that incense, and I even gave the whole abundance-journal thing a shot. I watched The Secret. I did my grateful-awareness exercises. I give to charities. I like to think I’m a friendly sort of person, I have no problem approaching or helping a stranger when needed.

Am I rubbing the crystals counter-clockwise when they are supposed to be rubbed clockwise?

Did I read the books from left to right instead of right to left? Was there a hidden message in there if played backwards?

What am I doing wrong?

Deep down, I’m a believer that things happen for a reason. Call it Fate. Call it Karma…whatever. I have experience, and in my experience bad things happen to make you appreciate the good things…when they happen.

Unfortunately, you have to survive the bad things.

A fact of life.

A nice twist in the scheme of things? Anytime something bad happens, tell yourself something really good is about to happen. It gives you something to look forward to.

And if you really want to give yourself a pep talk in bad times, think of it this way: the more awful the “bad” stuff, the better the “good” stuff on the way!

Think positive thoughts!